cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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