Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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