How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
