i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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