it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
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She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
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I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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