she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
