Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
pop tarts are not kleenex
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize