I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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