Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
how do flat chested girls get laid?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Randomize
