now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
