first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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