I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
