I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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