I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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