I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just cut my nipple shaving
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
