The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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