im drinking this country out of the recession.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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