so that wasnt chicken after all
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
