Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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