drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
