The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
