Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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