He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
