This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
