i don't like sucking hair
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
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Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
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Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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