So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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