Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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