Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
