She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.