I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.