fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.