There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.