glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
