I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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