Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
