Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
