He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
