Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
