dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
