I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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