shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize