Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
