ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
