I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
