We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
