I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
