remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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