I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
