And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
