all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
