i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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