Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
