Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
