First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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