even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
