i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
