I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
